Dating After Divorce

The idea of dating after my divorce was initially an exciting one. That excitement didn't last long. First of all, how do you meet other single people when you aren't in college? I don't know how people did it back in the day, but it seems that now the only way is the internet. For those of you who have never been forced to write a profile for yourself, trying more or less to talk others into wanting to date you, let me tell you that it is pretty humiliating, especially if in the talents and interests box all you have to write is that you are a champion napper, you can shop longer than anyone you know, and your favorite t.v. show is the Office. And the selection of men that you are trying to make interested in you is, in general, a frightening, toothless, grammatically-challenged lot that no one with any self-respect would want to date anyway. My dating life quickly became a case of "which man on this website is the least objectionable"?

My first post-divorce sorta relationship was with a man we will call Bob. His real name was Shannon, which, as everyone should know, is a girl's name. Bob may be a common and not very exciting name but at least it belongs to a man. So I met Bob on match.com and though he really didn't seem that promising, I decided I'd give it a shot. The fact that he lived with his parents at the age of 39 caused a bit of concern, as did the fact that he was only required to pay his ex-wife $300 a month in child support for his FIVE children because he made so little money. But I decided I was just being shallow and that I needed to give him a chance. So we went out. Our first date wasn't so bad. We went to dinner and talked...well, he talked. He talked a lot. He told me that he was a former Baptist minister and also a former meth addict. Huh? That's right. And guess what? I continued to go out with this guy for almost 3 months. He was a very nice man, though not too bright. He hung the curtains in the house my kids and I were living in and fixed my kitchen sink. His handiness may have been the best thing he had going for him. Why did I stop seeing Bob? Well, it may have had something to do with his calling me COLLECT from prison to tell me he was sorry he had missed our date. Something I didn't know about Bob was that he had a couple of DUIs under his belt and when he was arrested for the third time they didn't cut him much slack. I told him to have a good life and reminded him to be vigilant about guarding his bum while he was in there. Most men would have realized that this was the end of whatever relationship we had but Bob didn't get that message. He sent me letters from prison, asking me what we should do on our first date after his release. I ignored the letters and hoped that he would get the idea but as I said, Bob wasn't too bright. I didn't see Bob when he got out of prison, at least for a while. Many of you may be surprised to hear this but I am WAY too nice for my own good. One day I got a call from Bob, telling me he had been in a terrible accident and that he wanted to see me. I was a little curious to see what damage the accident had done...morbid, I know. But I wasn't doing anything so I went to his parents' house to see him. It was pretty gruesome. He had a hole in the top of his head that his mother kept shining a flashlight in to show people how deep it was. His whole body was covered in road rash and he was covered in bruises, though somehow he had managed to keep all of his bones unbroken. His mother immediately put me to work. She had me feed him soup and make his bed. It wasn't until his mother introduced me to the other visitors as Bob's girlfriend that I decided it was time to go. And that was the last I saw of Bob.

My next sorta relationship was with a man named Derik. Derik was in the process of getting a divorce when we first started dating. Our first date was awesome, despite the fact that he accused me of looking for a better looking man when my eyes wandered around the restaurant for a second. After getting to know him better I realized that he was probably joking. Derik was smart, attractive, and funny but he was also still in love with his soon-to-be ex-wife and many times I felt more like a therapist than any sort of girlfriend. Still, we dated off and on for quite a while. What ended my relationship with Derik was a call I got from him one day, telling me that he was getting married and that the woman he was marrying was about to have his child. I was rather surprised at this but not overly hurt as we had always been friends more than anything. After his second divorce, Derik and I became friends again and I hope when he reads this he finds nothing to be offended about.

The next guy I dated was Michael. Michael was, on the surface, everything a woman would want. He was 6'5", extremely good looking, and rich. Under the surface he was a complete and total asshole. Our first date went fairly well. He took me to an expensive restaurant in Salt Lake, which was a total waste on me because I prefer simpler food and get uncomfortable when men spend too much money on me, but the date itself went well. One thing that bothered me was that the sidewalk was icy and I was slipping and sliding all over the place and it never occurred to Michael that I might appreciate an arm to hold onto. Since I didn't actually fall, I let this small thing go and thought that he probably just wasn't very observant. On our next date, we started out at an indoor go-kart racetrack. These are not for children...these things are FAST. So we raced go-karts and he enjoyed making fun of me for how thoroughly he wiped the track with my butt. I was annoyed at the fact that he was behaving like a 13 year-old boy but I let it slide. We left the racetrack and headed to Ogden for dinner. His friend managed the restaurant he was taking me to and he called him to make sure he had saved us a table. While on the phone with his friend, I heard the friend ask if I was hot. Michael's reply was and unconvincing "Yeah" which prompted his friend to ask "What is she? About a 6?" and Michael again said "yeah". When Michael was no longer on the phone I asked him if his friend always spoke so loudly and he laughed and said yes. After a few seconds it dawned on him that I was trying to tell him that I had heard his entire conversation and, instead of being contrite, he laughed so hard I thought he was going to wet himself. Let me clear something up: I do not have any delusions that I am above a 6. I actually think a 6 may be a little too generous. What bothered me was that the guy I was dating thought I was a 6. When you are dating a man, what would make him interested in you if he thought you were only a 6? I asked him to take me to my car, which was parked at his house, so I could go home but he refused. He told me that I was an 8 at least and that he and his friend were just joking around. He said that he would never go out with a 6, thinking this would make me think better of him somehow. I repeated that I would like him to take me to my car and he again refused and instead, took me to the restaurant managed by this odious friend. As soon as he saw this friend he told him that I had heard the entire conversation and the two of them laughed like it was the funniest thing they had ever heard. After that, Michael behaved as though nothing out of the ordinary had happened that night and kept asking me why I wasn't my usual happy self. Perhaps in an effort to cheer me up he decided to tell me about all of the super-hot women he had dated and of all of the super-hot women that wanted to date him. For some reason this did not change my mood and when the date was finally over and he took me to my car, I was happy to be rid of this tall, hot, rich jerk.

My next "relationship" was with a man named Brian. Brian was a 40 year old man that had never been married..he was in fact an actual 40 year old virgin. This was new! Brian was a sweet guy, which was exactly what I wanted after Michael and he was also rather attractive. He obviously liked me and I might have liked him more than I did if he wasn't also a smidgen odd. On our second date he wanted to take me to a church so he could play the piano for me. Am I the only person that thinks this is weird? He told me that he loved roller blading and while I'm sure that is perfectly normal, the picture in my mind was of him on Venice Beach wearing too-short shorts, wearing big headphones and weaving in and out of the crowd, singing along to the Captain and Tenielle he was sure to be listening to. Another thing about Brian that made a relationship between the two of us impossible was the fact that kissing me made him feel guilty...and he blamed me for it. I was causing him guilt. After our third or fourth date, I told him I didn't appreciate being made to feel like a whore because of his inability to resist making out with me and that I didn't think we should see each other again.

In addition to these men were the vast majority of men that didn't make it to a second date. One of my worst dates was with a man who asked me to meet him at his house before we went to a movie. I know I should be more careful about this sort of thing but, as I said in a previous post, my only real fear is retards and I did not yet realize that this man may very well fit into this category. I was driving back from Salt Lake after leaving my kids with their father and agreed to meet him at his house in Ogden. Upon entering the house I quickly realized that "his" house was actually his parents' house. He had told me he was 28, which is younger than I prefer but when I met him I was sure he couldn't be more than 23 or 24. He told me that his parents were out of town and that, since we had a while before the movie started, we had plenty of time to make out. The guy had balls, anyway. I told him that as tempting as his offer was, I would rather go to the theater now, especially because I was starving and wanted to get something to eat. He insisted that we had plenty of time and that it would be a shame if we did not take advantage of the fact that his parents were out of town and asked me if I wanted to see his bedroom. I said that no, I did not want to see his bedroom, I did not want to take advantage of his parents being out of town, and that what I wanted to do was go see "I Love You, Man" . He asked me if I would at least lay on top of him for a few minutes. What does a sane person say to a request like that? I told him that no, I would not lay on top of him for any amount of time and that I was going to go to the theater now. If he wanted to go to the movie, I couldn't stop him but I wasn't going to go in his car and he wasn't going to go in mine. So I left and he did show up at the theater, which was fine, and I sat next to him during the movie, which was fine and the movie was hilarious. What wasn't fine was his attempt to hold my hand and kiss me after the movie when I thought for sure he knew by that point that I hated him. It was then that I made it clear that I was in no way interested in him, that he was not allowed to kiss me, or even touch me and that I wished him a nice life. With that I got in my car and drove away and was only mildly surprised to receive a text from him moments later asking me if we could go out again sometime.

There are SO many other horrifying men that I could tell you about but I would never get away from my computer once I started. Happily I am now dating a man that is smart, attractive, funny, and sweet. He is incredibly patient... he stood and watched me obsess over the dolphins at Sea World for at least an hour, without getting even a little bit ornery about it, even trying to distract the Sea World employee that was keeping me from jumping in the dolphin pool so I could swim with the dolphins. It doesn't bother him that I have to play with every dog I see. He puts up with my kids shenanigans and doesn't even mention how annoying they are. He doesn't care that I am crazy and he even seems to enjoy it. He treats me better than any man has ever treated me. He is amazing and I feel so lucky to be the one that he loves. I know I don't deserve him and I am so glad that he hasn't realized this yet.